Thus, this blog begins to come full circle, and even as myself I’m realizing more and more each day how much coming out is linked with self-confidence.

This blog is intrinsically tied with this question. Notice the title-”from not to hot”. I chose this because I am personally working on my physical appearance, a long with other issues of myself and self-actualization, in order to “improve” myself. But is it really about improvement? Partly, yes. But the only reason I’m losing weight, toning up, trying to relax more, understanding myself, doing more fufilling things, is because I want to have more self confidence. In short, I want to love myself more. In this way, I can love others better.

But what am I also doing? In addition to going from “not”, to “hot”, I’m also going from “not out at all”, to “out!”. So what does this imply? Are the two related?

I would definitely say that they are.

I have come to the realization over the course of this semester in college, that my not being out of the closet has everything to do with my self-confidence level. Take last spring, as a freshman, I wasn’t out at all. And why not? Because I feared how others would react. I didn’t love myself enough to recognize that I had self worth that would allow these people to continue to be my friend despite my status as a minority, or being “different”.

When people come out, they make a conscious decision that has a statement behind it. It says, “I believe so strongly in my goodness and worth as a human, that I know that this other part of me, my sexual orientation, that this other part of me is good and makes me whole. It is a life-giving characteristic that is part of me, and that makes it good.”

Now the question is this: am I ready to say this to myself? Are you ready? In other words, are you “out”-do you accept yourself wholy and truly for who you are? Not for the person that you want to become or who you hope to be, but for who you are right now.

I am slowly coming out more and more to the friends around me, so I would answer this question as follows-yes. I am accepting myself now more in my life than I ever have before. And it is for this reason that I am coming out now more than I ever have. Is it because I’m losing weight? (slowly but surely that is.) Yes, I definitely think that is part of it! And of course trying to be healthy also has a lot to do with self-respect. I finally like who I see in the mirror on a consistent basis. Additionally, I’m thinking positively, and incorporating religion and friendships to help me realize that I have inherent self-worth.

So I am curious about your ladies’s thoughts on this. Is coming out a reflection of self-confidence? Why or why not? And if you are struggling to come out, or have already done so yourself, what helped you to come out? What motivates you? What’s holding you back?

Best,
Your fellow lesbian girl. =)

Today’s discussion is this: do we have an obligation to “come out”? I would argue yes. The reason I think so, is because all civil rights, and all individual liberties, came about as a result of someone supporting them, or “coming out” for those rights. For example, Susan B. Anthony “came out” for Woman’s Suffrage. Martin Luther King Jr. “came out” for racial equality and rights. These decisions were hard, and made them unpopular to a lot of people-I’m sure they lost a lot of friends along the way, and maybe even got ragged on by their families for “stirring up such a huge controversy”.

But can you imagine where America would be, where the whole world would be, without these individuals who had the courage to say “Yes, I believe this is the right thing to do, even though others don’t?” It reminds me of an “Enemy of the People”, by Henrik Ibsen. In Ibsen’s tale, a city official realizes that the water “Baths” that have just been created-aka, the drinking water, are all poisonous and are going to cause serious health defects. But the government that is extremely proud of them, then accuses him of sabotage, because the changes would be extremely expensive and unpopular to fix them.

But of course, Ibsen’s protagonist who tries to rise for change, is 110% right. His famous quote from the play is, “the majority is never right, never!” In other words-don’t follow the crowd.

And when it comes to being gay, I sometimes feel as though I am “called” to be Ibsen’s protagonist-that I NEED to come out. Not just for myself, but for the millions (yes, because there WILL be millions) of lesbians that come after me! What if my coming out, (hopefully as a successful woman years down the road), really influences people to also come out and accept their sexuality? What if I end up being successful in my later career, and my coming out changes some of the negative attitudes and stereotypes that surround lesbians as deadbeat Birkenstock women. What if my coming out has a BIG EFFECT?

It is for that reason, that I think we must have an obligation to come out. Let me be clear-I don’t think anyone should come out before THEY are ready, and I know that I myself am not yet ready. But it’s never going to be comfortable to make yourself a 2nd class citizen or a minority. Which is why I am making small steps everyday to go further and further to coming out. I am telling more of my close friends. I refuse to join in with my friends when they compliment cute boys, as I may have done in the past. I’ve started wearing a rainbow friendship bracelet-which weirdly actually freaks me out sometimes, because I still have a long way to go, and it’s a bit obvious (or it seems that way to me). Ha, as Alice from the L Word would say, those “dorky straight people” probably don’t even know what it means for me to wear that kind of bracelet, but since I know what it means, it just has put me a little more on edge when I wear it.

But the bottom line is, I am making steps! And this is good! Coming out is a process, but I know and believe that it is a process I feel obligated to do.

What are your ladies’ thoughts? =)
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In other news, my struggle to look like Jessica Biels by the time I come out is still going well! I still fall off the horse sometimes-have the extra cookies and then feel bad about it, etc. But I am making those extra desserts or diet-falls off a much larger rariety. And I am also refusing to “starve” myself-I KNOW that the only way to lose weight, gain muscle (tone!!) and keep it is to slowly improve myself. =) But I am lighter than I have been in almost a year, and I know I look better than I have in a long time. I’m hoping by Christmas though, that I will look even better! Who knows! Looks aren’t everything anyway!

Good luck to everyone else who is working out to improve their body image as well! Let me know how it’s going or if you have any suggestions/tips that work well for you. =) Also, let me know what you think about today’s question of coming out as a “duty”. I’m curious as to what you guys have to say!

To change it up this time I’ll reply to comments first. **If you’d rather just read my social commentary segment, scroll down to the next bolded section!** One of you asked about what I am doing to lose weight. I’m actually just eating mostly salads, and sometimes if I want a quick breakfast, use protein (whey) powder and milk or water for a quick protein/low-calorie start to my day. But I’m not starving myself-that can really mess you up, and it never works long-term. Also, I’m exercising regularly, trying to include biking or walking into my daily routine, along with occasional weights about once every 3 days.

Do I think it’s helping? Yes! Am I a “Jennifer Beals”….? Well, no! Not yet, at least! To second the comment below, yes, it is slow to lose weight, but they say, “The slower you lose weight, the easier to keep it off, and the quicker you lose it, the quicker it will just come back.” So really in the game of weight loss it pays to be patient and stick it out. Overall though, I am feeling much better about my physical body and my appearance. Although I personally don’t believe physical appearance is that important, I know to some people, it matters that you look good, or at least look like you take care of yourself. So I’m trying to do just that. =)

Am I messing up? OF COURSE! We all do! It’s not easy to just be perfect-who on earth is? But I am doing better, and each day I feel and look slightly better. Which is awesome!! I do admit though that about every 5 days I slip up. I tend to eat a few candy bars or opt for a McDonalds McFlurry and Snack Wraps when I KNOW I shouldn’t. I think after a while though your body just says “no” to a diet and that’s when your mindset needs to get tough!

What am I going to do to accomplish what I want to before December, when I plan to come out? Well, here are my thoughts: I AM going to come out starting in December. I’ll probably set a time table for myself of something like, one new person a week, and perhaps even more. Maybe two a week. (Sorry to the folks who thought I was going to do the “facebook” thing-I don’t think shocking people is the goal!) But don’t worry, I’m going to do better about actually posting my coming out experiences so others can relate to them. =)

But as for my weight? What am I going to do to stop these slip ups? How am I going to gain (figuratively!) the best body that I can for coming out? I want to be confident in myself and how I look, because if I don’t have confidence in who I am physically, that just makes coming out EVEN harder! So…I’ve decided that the next time I want to slip up on my diet, I have to stop and before I eat that cookie, do the three following things:

1) Grab a coffee. This “flavor” but calorie-free (black!) beverage will hopefully be enough to stop my craving for a good taste!
2) Post HERE!! It takes time to post and re-inspires me to my commitment.
3) Call up a friend on campus and do something social, or play piano, etc, etc!
4) Go lift weights at the gym!

I think that 4-step process will help me a lot! Also, just remembering that I’ve got about 30 days until my final goal weight would ideally be reached is really helpful. =) I’m planning on coming out (or starting to at least!!) late December over the break..when I won’t be stressing over finals, etc.

So those are my plans!! Additionally I’m going to try to exercise every day-either weights or cardio. I’ll keep you updated on that too!

Now, time for my lesbian commentary! =)

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Confidence! I mentioned above that I’m losing weight and getting fit so that I can be confident in my physical appearance when I come out. But that’s something I’ve noticed lesbians (sometimes!) seem to lack. Maybe it’s just a stereotype, (that we need to BREAK!) but a lot of lesbians I’ve met stick to themselves and don’t seem to be the L-word types.

I watched Saving Face last night, and one of the female leads, “Vivian”, is EXTREMELY confident. And let me tell you, confidence is sexy!! It’s so unbelievably hot, right!? But I don’t think a lot of us have it. At least, maybe not compared to the heterosexual community.

We need to be confident in who we are. Not just because it’s hot sexually to see a confident strong and empowered woman hitting on us (who doesn’t dream for that??), but because it gives credence to our cause and respect to our community. We can’t be a doormat. Confident people breed confident causes, confident politicians in our civil rights, confident family members in our normalcy, and confident lovers.

So…I’m asking you ladies…am I the only one who has noticed this? Am I blowing it out of proportion, or is a real problem? Where’s the confidence? Do we have enough of it?

Thanks for reading and for responding! I’m really interested in your opinions this week ladies!! =)

But that’s it. There’s nothing else good about being in the closet. I am getting really frustrated that I can’t be who I am, but on the other hand I’m so deathly afraid of what people will think. Am I proud? Yes!! But do a lot of my close friends make negative or derogatory comments about gay people? Occasionally, some still do.

And that’s the risk of coming out. But at the same time, I wonder if that doesn’t make you a stronger person-a better person, because you choose to take despite all of that. And that’s a LOT.

It is with this thought in my mind that I prep myself for December. I know it is going to be so difficult to do, but I also know, like I said, that I think it will be really good for you. It will give me a new strength that I have not yet had to dig deep for, and I know that will be good for me. It will also give me a chance to finally be myself-the full unadulterated me! And lastly of course, it will be one more small crack in the glass ceiling that separates gay people from straight-in that I’ll be one more voice, one more presence in the world to say, “hey, this is normal!”

But for right now, I know I have the safety of the closet. Unfortunately I also have some of the misery (that’s unavoidable). Recently I was told by someone that I wasn’t a minority-being a Caucasian woman in America. I wanted to stand up and say, actually, I am! I don’t have it perfect! Not only have I experienced the loss of an immediate family member in the past few years, but I’m also not straight! That is what makes me different! Don’t think I have it so easy!

But they just don’t know-and how can they? That was told to me by a non-straight person as well. And so, as part of a deal, I’d like to ask those lesbians and gay who are currently out in the community to do me a favor. I’d like to ask the LGBT community to recognize that all of those who masquerade as “straight”, may actually very well be a part of your community. You won’t expand by closing the doors to “straight” people. Keep the LGBT community open. Yes, some things need to stay for the community-such as support groups for closeted people or those dealing with their sexuality. But we need to recognize that we were all “straight” once-either we were in the closet or we didn’t “realize” our sexuality until later. Our society tells everyone they’re straight from birth. But maybe they’re not. I wasn’t, and you readers weren’t either (I’ll assume). If an LGBT community keeps it’s doors closed, and society tells us we’re straight, that’s two groups of people telling us to “stay out”, or rather, stay in the closet. Keep the doors of the community open, and you might just see us grow.

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On a sidenote to the transition I am trying to acheive (with my weight/overall appearance) I have to admit I am doing quite well! Okay, I’ll admit, I HAVE fallen off the bandwagon. It’s good for me to show though that we’re all human-I binged about once a week the past 2 weeks, but overall I’m still losing weight and my perspective (and physical status!) of my body has been quite changed! I’m down weight and I feel and look better. The one thing that keeps me going? Well, what may work for me may not work for you, but I just picture myself having sex with a really hot woman, and hopefully, myself, being another really hot woman.

That usually works. =)

“Do I look gay enough?” This is a question I found myself asking a lot when I started to realize my sexuality. And…why? Because I wanted lesbians to know, I was one of them!. I wanted to be able to walk by and have them instantly know, “Oh, she’s definitely gay!”.

But that was then. Now, after a long journey of self-realization and acceptance, I finally came to learn, (as I have said in my previous post and would like to repeat here), there is more than one way to be a woman. (Or should I say, womyn?) Part of me trying to break these stereotypes does not only include our perceptions of other womyn, but also about ourselves.

Why do we feel we must be obviously gay? Alright, I need to re-word that. Some lesbians (and gay men) naturally dress in such a way that fits their personality-a butch womyn may prefer to wear shirts that highlight her relaxed attitude or stronger physique. An effeminate gay may just feel more comfortable in skinny jeans or women’s tops. And that is fine, in fact, great!! Because it means that these people are choosing to be true to themselves despite what society tells them they should be.

But what about those womyn who feel the need to go out of their way to change their physical appearance to seem more masculine, when they may not inherently feel comfortable that way? A few weeks ago I found a poster at the AfterEllen.com forum asking for ways to “butch herself up”.

AfterEllen.com: “How to Butch myslef up?”

WAIT right there! Isn’t that the whole point of the gay rights movement? That we work hard and fight hard against politicians and the religious right to be ourselves?

I am interested in your opinion readers, because I think this topic is still alive and pertinent to the gay community today in a very visible manner. I look forward to your comments! =)

My logic on the subject is this. As a gay woman myself, I don’t instantly become attracted to someone who I know is a lesbian, unless they already have something about them that attracts them to me. Sure, I love seeing a butch woman or a LGBT pride pin-it means I know I am not the sole womyn in this town! I feel like there is a larger community, and I’m proud. But “butching” yourself up to “look more gay” doesn’t attract me to you. I am attracted to women because of their sweet and loving personality, their tenderness and their love and concern. I don’t necessarily just go for the first thing that crosses my path.

So do I feel the need to “look more gay”? No! Do I want to be out? Of course. I look forward to being more open about my sexuality because it means that I am being true to myself and will perhaps be able to meet more womyn. But do I necessarily want to “look” gay? No way. I want to look like me. I want to be me! And if a woman loves me for that, I think I’m doing okay. =)

-Megan

Because weight is the one that will take me the longest to try and change before I come out, I am starting with it first. My rough goal is to try and look like one of the beautiful ultimate-femme lesbians from the L-Word, because every single one of those womyn breaks the stereotype. (yay!) Okay, so no one will ever look like that (if you do, thank you Jennifer Beals for reading this blog!), but my point is that one of the hardest stereotypes for womyn to break is that they are ugly/fat/gross.

I cringe just writing that. This is NOT TRUE. First off, a woman is a woman is a woman. And there is more than one way to be a woman. I personally don’t feel attracted to skinny girls. (Seriously!) I’d much much rather date someone who was average weight-(i.e., has a butt, chest, etc!) I’d feel like she was “all there”. When I look back on the girls who I have been attracted to, they are probably actually what society would call on the “heavy-average” side. I’m not trying to knock anyone, but my point is that larger womyn need not feel excluded or that their size is a negative issue-because it’s not! There are many lesbians in this world and we all like something different, so being naturally on the heavier side (one of our stereotypes) is nothing to be ashamed of-in fact, it probably means myself (and other) lesbians want to date you, as long as you’re healthy too. =)

But to get back to the stereotype of today’s blog post. The stereotype of a lesbian is that she is a large overweight woman with short hair, a biting personality and Birkenstocks (sometimes with or without socks). Factually, is there any truth to this? Well, here is my theory, along with a few articles.

My belief about this particular stereotype is that this “overweight dyke” mentality became the stereotype because this is the most easily recognized womyn in terms of visibility. The femme-femme-femme-girl with the pink purse and permed hair doesn’t obviously look like a lesbian, so people don’t form their judgments around the femmes of our community-instead they only visibly see the short-haired, large butchy womyn because of their visibility.

Secondly, let’s check the facts. Do a quick Google search on “obese lesbians” and you’ll find that they actually have done studies on this-seriously. Here is an article from the NYPost: (I can’t post the original link because it was broken but this is from Google’s cached version.)

PLUMPING ‘OUT’: LESBIANS FACE HIGHER OBESITY RISK
REUTERS
April 28, 2007

Lesbians are twice as likely as heterosexual women to be overweight or obese, researchers said.

But the authors placed little confidence in the idea that lesbians were more muscular than straight women, and thus more likely to have a high body-mass index.

The study brings up another interesting point-that maybe one of the reasons the risk for obesity seems to be slighter higher among lesbians, is simply because self-image and personal appearance factor into the weight game as highly motivating factors. If lesbian recognize more often that they have a self-worth beyond their physical appearance, then perhaps physical appearance is just one less motivating factor to lose weight and get in shape.

Well, that’s enough talk on the subject today, but let me know what you ladies think on this issue.

-Megan

Days until I come out and break the stereotypes! 114

A bit about myself:  I am a 19 year old closeted lesbian currently attending an undisclosed university in America.  I was born on the West Coast but currently attend college in the East Coast/South.  In regards to my sexuality, I have long realized that my “respect” for women was quite unique and distinct, but I never made the connection that I (god forbid!) could actually be a lesbian.  Well, enter freshman year of college, and it finally hit me.  Everything about my sexuality just “clicked” in my brain, and looking back on it, so much of my life makes much more sense now that I see it in the context that I am a lesbian; for example my tom-boyish past, my competitive aggressiveness in sports, my undying commitment to my high school team mates, and most of all, my girl crushes (which of course the media tells you is normal).

As a relatively “new” lesbian, I came into a community without any idea of what a lesbian “should” be.  In fact, I myself didn’t fit the part.  I love to wear my long wavy/curly blonde hair in a ponytail on most occasions, but beyond that fact I did not necessarily appear (stereotypically of course)to be a lesbian at all.

But enough about me, let’s get to the blog!  I am starting this blog because of my sexuality and the confidence of the lesbian community as a whole.  When I came into this community, I feel in love with it almost immediately-it felt so right, and so amazing to be a part of a larger group of womyn.  But I also noticed that there are many stereotypes about the community that society, such as:

21st Century Stereotypes of Lesbians:

1) Lesbians don’t take care of themselves.

2) Lesbians are ugly, or look like men.

3) Lesbians are cold and bitter.

I don’t like these stereotypes. In fact, I hate them.  It is this stigma that makes it difficult for me to come out to my friends and family, to embrace who I really am and just be me.  But on top of disliking these stereotypes, there is a more important factor on this list: I don’t accept them either.  I want to go out there and prove that these stereotypes are wrong-wrong-wrong!  And I started thinking of ways that I could do that. And then I realized, what better way to break a stereotype than by doing it yourself?

So that is exactly what I plan to do!  I am going to systematically eliminate stereotypes 1-3 from my outward appearance and personality, so that when I come out at the end of this year, I won’t fit the mold, and I will take one extra step to breaking these stereotypes.  So that is what I am going to do, and I am hoping that you will follow me and encourage me.   Here is my promise: if you give me your support and encouragement to help break these stereotypes in my own life, I will come out by the end of the year, December 31st 2009.

As for the last stereotype (#3), I’m going to make sure that I embrace positive ideas and encouraging goals.  I feel that I do well breaking stereotype 3, but not so well on stereotypes 1-2.  When I say “breaking the stereotypes”, I just mean that I want to go… “from not to hot”!  In other words, I do see myself as slightly fulfilling stereotypes 1-2.  I’m probably about 15 pounds over what would be designated “hot” by most of society (thank you freshman 15!), and my excess weight is preventing me from wearing feminine (I’m femme!) and flattering clothing, and clinging to my P.E. shorts and free t-shirts.   I’m going to try and use this blog as a means to track my physical journey from “not to hot”, and hopefully by coming out in December, break a stereotype that most lesbians a) don’t take of themselves, or b) are ugly, look like men, etc.  Additionally in this blog, I hope to also write on lesbian issues of the day and LGBT social issues that I have noticed affecting the modern lesbian community today.  (So that hopefully this is 100% me-focused!)

So, what do you say, are you with me?

Your fellow womyn,

Megan

Days to break the stereotype: 117