The Closet: what do you lose by hiding in it?

Recently I’ve been experiencing quite a lot of regret from being inside the closet about my sexuality. The positives of the closet are simple: retain your friends (superficially of course), and don’t risk the anti-gay feelings from your family and acquaintances.

But that’s it. There’s nothing else good about being in the closet. I am getting really frustrated that I can’t be who I am, but on the other hand I’m so deathly afraid of what people will think. Am I proud? Yes!! But do a lot of my close friends make negative or derogatory comments about gay people? Occasionally, some still do.

And that’s the risk of coming out. But at the same time, I wonder if that doesn’t make you a stronger person-a better person, because you choose to take despite all of that. And that’s a LOT.

It is with this thought in my mind that I prep myself for December. I know it is going to be so difficult to do, but I also know, like I said, that I think it will be really good for you. It will give me a new strength that I have not yet had to dig deep for, and I know that will be good for me. It will also give me a chance to finally be myself-the full unadulterated me! And lastly of course, it will be one more small crack in the glass ceiling that separates gay people from straight-in that I’ll be one more voice, one more presence in the world to say, “hey, this is normal!”

But for right now, I know I have the safety of the closet. Unfortunately I also have some of the misery (that’s unavoidable). Recently I was told by someone that I wasn’t a minority-being a Caucasian woman in America. I wanted to stand up and say, actually, I am! I don’t have it perfect! Not only have I experienced the loss of an immediate family member in the past few years, but I’m also not straight! That is what makes me different! Don’t think I have it so easy!

But they just don’t know-and how can they? That was told to me by a non-straight person as well. And so, as part of a deal, I’d like to ask those lesbians and gay who are currently out in the community to do me a favor. I’d like to ask the LGBT community to recognize that all of those who masquerade as “straight”, may actually very well be a part of your community. You won’t expand by closing the doors to “straight” people. Keep the LGBT community open. Yes, some things need to stay for the community-such as support groups for closeted people or those dealing with their sexuality. But we need to recognize that we were all “straight” once-either we were in the closet or we didn’t “realize” our sexuality until later. Our society tells everyone they’re straight from birth. But maybe they’re not. I wasn’t, and you readers weren’t either (I’ll assume). If an LGBT community keeps it’s doors closed, and society tells us we’re straight, that’s two groups of people telling us to “stay out”, or rather, stay in the closet. Keep the doors of the community open, and you might just see us grow.

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On a sidenote to the transition I am trying to acheive (with my weight/overall appearance) I have to admit I am doing quite well! Okay, I’ll admit, I HAVE fallen off the bandwagon. It’s good for me to show though that we’re all human-I binged about once a week the past 2 weeks, but overall I’m still losing weight and my perspective (and physical status!) of my body has been quite changed! I’m down weight and I feel and look better. The one thing that keeps me going? Well, what may work for me may not work for you, but I just picture myself having sex with a really hot woman, and hopefully, myself, being another really hot woman.

That usually works. =)

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